You took your last breath on December 3, 2017. I watched you as you gasped for air until your heart stopped beating. It wrenched my heart seeing you gasp. I tried to press my ear to your chest to listen to your heart beat but the cancer was too strong. All I could hear was the rattle your breathing gave trying to find it's way through the cancer that ravaged your body. I didn't want to leave your side. I wanted desperately for you to wake up just briefly so I could see your eyes if only to say "I'm here". The RT came in to oscillate you and started telling me you where fighting him. You were fighting him helping you breath. I knew that you had no fight left in you. I whispered in your ear to let him help you. You squeezed my hand at that moment and I started to cry harder. I knew that was your way of telling me that you were ready. I wasn't ready though. We had family pictures to take. I had to come out and plant Mexican Petunias in your front walk way. I still had so many things to talk to you about and experience with you. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I hated myself for not going to see you in the hospital the day before when you where there. When you were with us. I thought about going but didn't because I had had a busy day. Thought to myself that I'd go and see you the next day because this was something that you were going to get through. I should have gone to see you. Your memorial service was beautiful! So many people came to say goodbye. So many people showed their love in so many different ways. I tried to upload some pictures of all the memories we shared for your service. The website froze three times and I had to redo it three times. Apparently, it still uploaded all 64 photos I had chosen 3 times. It was a giant "Kitty and Amber" slideshow. I was upset...but your family and friends assured me that you wouldn't have had it any other way. I'm so incredibly happy that you let me take pictures of you and I every single time we were with each other. I'm glad you didn't question why. I know you knew why. I know you knew I would need those pictures of us for me to look back on.
Because of all the people who loved you at the office who live up north 6 months of the year, its new news frequnetly to everyone coming back down. They always inquire. Almost daily I get to relive your passing. Almost every day I get to break the news to someone of your passing and watch them well up with tears. Almost everyday I get to hug someone and break down with them over the loss of you. The lump in my throat still comes back regularly and it's still hard to swallow. The hole in my heart still surfaces to remind me that I no longer have my best friend to talk to daily. I am reminded of how selfish I am in wanting you back when people remind me your no longer in pain. Why can't I be selfish and wish that you never had cancer. Wish that you never went through the pain and suffering that you went through. Why can't I be selfish and wish that this tumor in your colon was randomly found 10 years ago when you were pregnant, or 8 years ago when you were pregnant again, or 5 years ago when you were pregnant for the last time. They opened you up every single pregnancy to take your babes and never once saw anything strange. How is that possible?! I have so many 'what-ifs' scenarios but I know they are fleeting. It doesn't matter now. I hear that when you see a feather randomly on the ground of somewhere you frequent, it's a sign that it's a loved one you have lost saying they love you or that they are watching over you. I am still waiting for my feather.
I think back to that moment we went to Fort Rock. Walking from our cars into the entrance of the grounds where they were having the concert and noticing how out of breath you were. I remember wondering to myself why you were so short of breath considering you were the one who was working out and not me. You were the one who was loosing weight and not me and that it seemed strange. I should have pushed you harder to see someone sooner when you first told me about your bloody stool. But I knew how you were. And it was hard enough for you to tell me about your poop as it was. But you were okay with it because I was your "gross best friend." I shouldn't have kowtowed to your idea of "if it happens again I'll go to the doctor." Because it was maybe 6 more months until something else happened after that that made you start taking things seriously. I should have pushed you harder. I should have questioned you more when I noticed the weight just melting off you. But you were just eating fruit, soup and veggies....seemed to make sense. Seemed a little to fast in my mind but I didn't want to rain on your weight loss parade. I should have asked more questions.
I've said goodbyes a few times. But this one I did not want to do. I knew this is what would take your life. But I didn't think it would be so soon. I hoped it wouldn't be so soon. I wanted you around for a little bit longer. I wanted more memories. I wanted more selfies. I wanted more birthdays and more everything with you. This is really hard. And I imagine it will continue to be hard for awhile and slowly get easier. I miss you dearly my sweet friend. You were like a sister to me and it will be hard to navigate life without my best friend. Rest in Peace my dear friend. I loved you then, I love you now, I love you always. You were, are, and forevermore a beautiful soul.
Fuck Cancer.
