Love Poem for Reed

 

(Dedicated to my husband on our 10th anniversary)

Here we are lovers for life,

Centuries spanned and lovers more than twice.

Our hearts collide and shatter,

Continually permeating intergalactic space to the next island universe. 

Kismet taking a back seat to the stories it writes about us,

As our dame of fortune is always sitting in the lap of the gods.

Dividing cells can’t keep our bodies, 

From seamlessly melding from the ardor of our sex.

The lovemaking breaches so deep,

Crossing oceans of time, through a phantasmal portal, into the galaxies of my soul.

The magnetism of our carnal knowledge forging jealousy, 

Oh how Aphrodite and Ares are green.

Our coition of love undresses layers of my soul,

As your hands tie to mine.

In this life, and the next,

Wampole in knowing that in all of my destined ways.

I choose you, 

I choose you in a hundred lifetimes.

A hundred worlds, 

In any version of reality.

I’ll find you,

And choose you.

K.S.

02/11/2020

Dear Amber...

Dear Amber,
     You took your last breath on December 3, 2017. I watched you as you gasped for air until your heart stopped beating. It wrenched my heart seeing you gasp. I tried to press my ear to your chest to listen to your heart beat but the cancer was too strong. All I could hear was the rattle your breathing gave trying to find it's way through the cancer that ravaged your body. I didn't want to leave your side. I wanted desperately for you to wake up just briefly so I could see your eyes if only to say "I'm here". The RT came in to oscillate you and started telling me you where fighting him. You were fighting him helping you breath. I knew that you had no fight left in you. I whispered in your ear to let him help you. You squeezed my hand at that moment and I started to cry harder. I knew that was your way of telling me that you were ready. I wasn't ready though. We had family pictures to take. I had to come out and plant Mexican Petunias in your front walk way. I still had so many things to talk to you about and experience with you. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I hated myself for not going to see you in the hospital the day before when you where there. When you were with us. I thought about going but didn't because I had had a busy day. Thought to myself that I'd go and see you the next day because this was something that you were going to get through. I should have gone to see you. Your memorial service was beautiful! So many people came to say goodbye. So many people showed their love in so many different ways. I tried to upload some pictures of all the memories we shared for your service. The website froze three times and I had to redo it three times. Apparently, it still uploaded all 64 photos I had chosen 3 times. It was a giant "Kitty and Amber" slideshow. I was upset...but your family and friends assured me that you wouldn't have had it any other way. I'm so incredibly happy that you let me take pictures of you and I every single time we were with each other. I'm glad you didn't question why. I know you knew why. I know you knew I would need those pictures of us for me to look back on. 

Because of all the people who loved you at the office who live up north 6 months of the year, its new news frequnetly to everyone coming back down. They always inquire.  Almost daily I get to relive your passing. Almost every day I get to break the news to someone of your passing and watch them well up with tears. Almost everyday I get to hug someone and break down with them over the loss of you. The lump in my throat still comes back regularly and it's still hard to swallow. The hole in my heart still surfaces to remind me that I no longer have my best friend to talk to daily. I am reminded of how selfish I am in wanting you back when people remind me your no longer in pain. Why can't I be selfish and wish that you never had cancer. Wish that you never went through the pain and suffering that you went through. Why can't I be selfish and wish that this tumor in your colon was randomly found 10 years ago when you were pregnant, or 8 years ago when you were pregnant again, or 5 years ago when you were pregnant for the last time. They opened you up every single pregnancy to take your babes and never once saw anything strange. How is that possible?! I have so many 'what-ifs' scenarios but I know they are fleeting. It doesn't matter now. I hear that when you see a feather randomly on the ground of somewhere you frequent, it's a sign that it's a loved one you have lost saying they love you or that they are watching over you. I am still waiting for my feather.

I think back to that moment we went to Fort Rock. Walking from our cars into the entrance of the grounds where they were having the concert and noticing how out of breath you were. I remember wondering to myself why you were so short of breath considering you were the one who was working out and not me. You were the one who was loosing weight and not me and that it seemed strange. I should have pushed you harder to see someone sooner when you first told me about your bloody stool. But I knew how you were. And it was hard enough for you to tell me about your poop as it was. But you were okay with it because I was your "gross best friend." I shouldn't have kowtowed to your idea of "if it happens again I'll go to the doctor." Because it was maybe 6 more months until something else happened after that that made you start taking things seriously. I should have pushed you harder. I should have questioned you more when I noticed the weight just melting off you. But you were just eating fruit, soup and veggies....seemed to make sense. Seemed a little to fast in my mind but I didn't want to rain on your weight loss parade. I should have asked more questions. 

I've said goodbyes a few times. But this one I did not want to do. I knew this is what would take your life. But I didn't think it would be so soon. I hoped it wouldn't be so soon. I wanted you around for a little bit longer. I wanted more memories. I wanted more selfies. I wanted more birthdays and more everything with you. This is really hard. And I imagine it will continue to be hard for awhile and slowly get easier. I miss you dearly my sweet friend. You were like a sister to me and it will be hard to navigate life without my best friend. Rest in Peace my dear friend. I loved you then, I love you now, I love you always. You were, are, and forevermore a beautiful soul.

Fuck Cancer.

My Best Friend And The 'C' Word

She finally went the Emergency Room after months of hematochezia and weight loss on a weekend. The impromptu visit was brought on by the syncope and the worry of not being there for her kids. I found out through text that she had the dirty C word. She has cancer. I didn't find out what kind or really much of anything besides the locations of where her cancer was until about 5 days after she was diagnosed. I wanted to give her space so she wasn't bombed with texts and phone calls from those she was telling with questions. I felt like I could wait...I was with her in the beginning, I knew I'd be with her throughout it all. I could wait.

I spent the next couple nights thinking only of her in my spare thoughts. I cried the most for her on a Monday night. That's when my heart hurt the most. I think that's the moment I realized that's when I loved her the most as a friend too.

This has been really hard to go through as her friend. I can't even imagine the amount of suffering emotionally and mentally she is going through. Just fighting the disease is a huge battle all around by itself but having to consider your children and husband in the mix and preparing for a potential future without you there with them is something that only the strong themselves can truly do. She has always been an amazingly strong woman. Never allowing pride to be the fault that breaks her but allowing pride to be the thing that drives her. She works hard, loves hard, and lives to the fullest. Cancer has become the thing that will be her toughest enemy. Good thing she's a tough b*tch and is going to win this battle.

Her treatments are rough and long and pretty much drain the crap out of her. She's lost so much weight I just want to kidnap her and force feed her cookies, doughnuts and ice cream for days. Granted she looks great and our running joke is that the 'Soup Diet' works....but I just want her to get a fat ass when she eats too much candy like everyone else.

I still cry every now and then. There are moments where it's harder than others. But it's ridiculous at best in comparison.  My heart still aches when I think about what she is going through and the potential absence in my life. And then I think about the not thinking about the absence as it's not the way things will go. That positive energy must be there to help give strength and courage in every aspect.

I imagine myself standing next to her holding her hand sometimes with the wind blasting us in the face and our heads bent down bearing the brunt of the force, eventually slowing to a relaxing breeze with nothing but warmth  around us. This will be beat.

This is hard writing this. It's hard going through this as a friend. It's hard because of where we worked. Not a day goes by that a patient doesn't find out and ask for all the details. Not a week goes by that I don't cry with a patient over the diagnosis and console them that she's a fighter and will beat this. Not a month goes by that I encourage those who are old and have seen life and death more than any human cares to that she's young and vibrant and tough and will beat this. Not a moment goes by that someone isn't praying for her to keep up the good fight and win this battle. I do regret any flakiness I've had towards her in the past and that I've allowed my social anxieties to get the better of me. This is something I work on to enjoy the daily and add another list of 'no regrets' to my life story. I expect to share this for many years with her.

She has many trials ahead of her and many obstacles. Please find it in your hearts to donate because every little bit helps her in fighting the good fight. Can't donate? Please share and help spread the word to get yourself checked regularly for not only Colon Cancer but all cancers.

Click here: GoFundMe for my BFF

Abbi-The Orange Headed Step Cat

So I own this cat name Abbi. That's spelled A.B.Bi. Daughter of Spruce. Father unknown. She is a short-haired, Tabby-cat with eyes of marigold. She's neurotic, mean and drools when you pet her. She meows loudly at the kids doors after we put them to bed and pees on the floor next to the litter box. She scratches you when you walk by randomly and licks you when you're not looking. This is her story.

Abbi was born into this world breech. I remember my husband, then boyfriend, calling me on the phone telling me Spruce was in labor. I remember telling him what to do in the event of a breach, I said I'd be right there and hung up the phone and sped over the causeway to attempt to get there to see some of the kittens being born.

By the time I got there 3 kittens had come into the world. Spruce was laboring into her fourth kitten. I think fate had a hand to play in the birth of Abbi as she came out about ten minutes after I got there... and she was breech.

I've seen calves birthed breach a couple of times and some sheep and a couple kittens but had never personally helped in any of them. After I got a firm but careful grip I helped birth Abbi and laid her down next to Spruce. Spruce almost immediately went into delivering for the last kitten, completely ignoring the kitten she'd just given birth to. I picked Abbi up and cleaned her face and rubbed her and within a few moments a little mew came from her mouth.

She was an orange tabby cat, and I claimed her as mine. When she was just barely old enough to wean, I took her home to meet my man-cat Edward.  Per typical Edwardism, he was thoroughly unimpressed. But all kittens are super cute and she became a favorite for both Edward and I.

Shortly after I noticed a little pin sized hole in her shoulder. Not knowing what it was exactly I made a mental note to just keep an eye on it. It's a good thing I did because that little tiny hole gradually grew bigger until it eventually hit the size of a pencil eraser head. Until I could figure out what it was I made her a couple kitty sweaters from my socks to keep her from licking the wound.

I came home with a friend from work equipped with tweezers, a scalpel, clindamycin, and bandages thinking I was going to be draining some sort of abscess. When I got there my sister came out with Abbi in her arms and informed me that her wound had moved. I knew exactly what it was. I had my friend hold her down as I pressed down around the outside of the hole in her shoulder. As soon as I saw a black thing stick its head out I gently grabbed it with tweezers and started to pull. That sucker had a pretty tight hold for how what it was!

After almost losing it, it was completely out and drowning in a half drank bottle of water. I bandage her wound up and gave her a lengthy researched dose of clindamycin. Put a sweater on her and went to show Reed. She had a speedy recovery and was no worse for the wear. Note: Research Bot Fly Larvae

A few months of the larvae incident, we moved to a different location and had just finished bringing the cats over. We decided to go run a couple of errands after we had put a few boxes in their places. I think we were gone for maybe 20 minutes or so before we got back and  heard little mews of distress. We started our search for the orange furball immediately. I ended up finding her in a room that had some fishing poles, one of which was set up with a Sabiki rig.

I found Abbi attached to the end of one of the hooks gripped to the side of a mattress so she didn't hang off the line by her cheek. I picked her up and Reed and I went into action. After cutting the line we started to wrap her in a towel to keep her safe. From there it was a serious of trial and error to figure out how to get this tiny hook out of her mouth. The amazing thing about this is as soon as we got the hook out, she went straight to her bowl and ate some food seemingly unaffected by the event.

From there her lives have been a roller coaster of ups and downs and near misses. She is truly the epitome of 'Curiosity kills the cat.' We love her in the 'stop being so curious and kill all of your nine lives before we get too attached kinda way.' Out of all the joking of her being the red headed step cat, and us always trying to sell her or even give her away for free because of all her shortcomings, she is still here with us. Living as our little ass backwards bitch, Abbi.

Hallmark Holiday

That's right, I'm one of those who thinks Valentines Day is a Hallmark Holiday specially pushed by card companies and flower companies to spend money on one singular day of "love." One day where you either have someone you can say I love you to or a day where you are recognized publicly to be alone. A day where we yet again waste paper products on cards we'll never have for a lifetime and flowers that will fade within a week and chocolate that makes our asses fatter. Nothing says love like dead flowers and diabetes.

Love to me, is one of those things that shouldn't be forced one day out of the year. Why demonstrate love publically? Why push PDA on the mass of society when this is something you could randomly display on any occasion. I find it much more romantic when I'm surprised with flowers on a random day then on a day that's internationally pushed for material goods. People measure how much they are loved based on what they receive. Who's received the biggest bouquet of flowers, the biggest box of chocolates, the shiniest piece of jewelry....

Am I indifferent to V-Day....sure more than likely. Will I be a grinch about the holiday, no. I am not one to rain on someone's parade. But I'd much rather spend my days feeling special and loved by the person who is suppose to make me feel that way on a daily basis (I'll settle for once a week). I've tried to escape the swarm of pink and hearts of this holiday by celebrating my anniversary two days before the wretched cupid induced swoonfest. It's made finding an anniversary card easy and hard all at once. It's easy to find cards spewing love all over the place but in the end they all say Happy Valentines Day. I see the flaws in my master plan to avoid a silly holiday.

Ultimately, this holiday I would never think twice about if we banned it completely from our lexicon of holidays. It's unnecessary and celebrates something that we should practice on a daily basis. We shouldn't need a holiday to remind us to show each other that we love and care about each other.

Time of Year

This is it. This is the time of year that makes me wish I didn't live in paradise. The time of year that brings me to a feeling of homesickness more than any other time of year.

Photo credits to Betsy Struxness @be_strux 

Growing up in the midwest part of the United States I always enjoyed and appreciated the feeling of fall. The temperature dropping but not so cold you can still go outside with just a long sleeve shirt on. The school football games and the smell of crisp air. The leaves turning on all the trees to brilliant oranges, purples, reds, and yellows and then falling to the ground. Yes even a part of me misses having to rake up all the leaves.

@be_stux

I lived in a pretty quiet town for a long time. I remember the sound of fall. During the quietest of moments you could hear the leaves turn.

I miss the opportunities that came with the turning of the seasons to see the northern lights. Nothing was more marvelous than being able to experience that on a yearly basis...even if I did have to wear a parka to see them.

@be_strux

The first frost was always the most fun for me too. Jack has always tickled my visual senses with his intricate frost designs on pretty much anything it touched. And I've come to realize why people who live in areas where the seasons change are a bit more friendlier to each other. They have to huddle to stay warm. Gotta be nice to those standing next to you because when it's your turn to rotate you don't want to be the penguin that got left out.

Paradise is nice, but seasons are nicer.



Photo credits go to the amazing Betsy Struxness.

My Application to Reality TV

Everyone has their favorite reality TV smut that they like to watch. If not religiously only occasionally...but they still have it. Mine would have to be Big Brother. I don't know what it is about the show that gets me but every season leaves me wanting to be on the show more and more thinking I might be the next 500K winner.

Picture submitted for BB17 application

So I submitted my application today. It would be an amazing feat to even make it to the next round of casting so the fact that I got all my stuff together that they need was amazing!  They had some pretty generic questions and an essay that had to be 70 words or less. That was the hardest part of the whole application trying to condense myself into that few words.

I also decided to go with a recent pic vs the default pic I use for everything (because it's the best pic I've ever taken).

I'll keep everyone updated as to if I hear anything from the casting directors so until then...keep your fingers crossed!

Favorite Patient

Found out today that my favorite patient passed away yesterday. He had had a long battle with cancer and some other ailments. I'll miss all our conversations about our favorite football team and randomness involving the world. I don't normally cry when patients pass but this one hit me. I will miss him dearly and hope that his mother finds comfort around those who loved him and love her. He was her everything. R.I.P. Jack...I hope your black and gold is brilliant wherever you are. You will be missed.

The Pink In My Life

When I was pregnant with my first child, I knew without a doubt that he was boy. In my heart of hearts I knew all my life I would have a boy and he would be the first born. When I became pregnant with my second child, I subconsciously, and probably more consciously than I'm willing to admit, knew I was having a girl. And at that time; wishing and hoping and praying it was a boy for more reason than one.

My reasons for a boy were minimal. One, I wanted a boy for economic purposes. I know for a fact any mother going into their second child at the very least thinks about this aspect as they have become fully aware of the cost of one child. And oh man, the thought of at least saving on clothes AND choice of toys is nothing but dollar signs. Lets not forget they would potentially be able to share a room for forever! KA-CHING!

Two, I didn't want the relationship with my daughter that I have with my mom. A little blurb of that particular relationship as I saw it. I was 25ish when I got pregnant and had been through a lot of cray stuff even for a 25 year old. Some which my mom knew, a lot she didn't and may still not know. I lived with my Grandmother for a while. I know and understand the reason. All the stories that come with my mom during that time I do not know. I'm sure that whatever was going on at that time was tough and the decision to leave me with my grandma was confirmed the best. I thank her for that frequently. Everything kinda gets a little blurry from when I was in third grade and met my BFFSG (Best Friend Forever Since 3rd Grade!) until we moved to Minnesota with my new Step Dad. I had a lot of hurt and anger inside me and they are things that I have worked through on multiple occasions and may even still find myself still projecting lasting effects.

On the plus side, I feel differently toward my mother now, then I did back then and definitely for the better. However, I did not enjoy my relationship with my mother as a child for a long time. I have different speculations as to why but I've never been able to pin-point this particular reason. I've also wondered frequently if this is just typical mother/daughter nomenclature and the cycle of 'coming to' with your relationship is a coming to of maturity for females in general. These generalized ideas are kind of why I had my doubts about having a girl.

knowing from the beginning that I was having a girl whether I was ready to admit it or not, I always knew my heart and soul loved her from the beginning. It was different from my son but vast nonetheless...even though I was still not ok with the idea of a girl until I had my 22wk sonogram. And even then...NO PINK! Fun fact: for both our kids we had only one name that was of no question from the beginning, and that was their first names.

Having a girl, let me just say, involves an overwhelming amount of pink. Everything comes in pink and it's very difficult to find it in any other color. Purple is next but even that seems to be a discluded color amongst newborns. If you haven't gathered yet I don't much care for the color pink. I'll make exceptions but they are particular. Clothes get cuter as they get older...or they just have a girlie effect on me. (Tomboy for life!) So I've discovered having a girl isn't all that bad and that even with all the dang pink I have in my house now, I can still have a little girl who apparently really likes a lot of the things that I like already. Regardless of what she does end up growing to like, I know that we will be connected in our relationship. And I believe that is what I want the most.


As I write this out, I hope who ever chooses to read this sees it from multiple perspectives and respects all perspectives including my own. And know that all experiences in life though similar; are extremely different.

Drop kick a kid

Is it ok to not care for a parent based on how the child behaves towards my own. There is a child in Leif's daycare, we will call him Butthead for conversations sake, who is down right rude and mean. Leif really wanted to go to a friends birthday party a few weeks back. In fact it was his first birthday party of his friends that he really made a stink about so we decided to take him. Butthead was there and when his mom asked him if he and Leif were friends the kid said; "sometimes yes and sometimes no."

This is where my question is: In my opinion I think this type of behavior at this age is a direct demonstration of one of the parents if not both. Is it a result of the parents behavior? Whether it was deliberately taught or not I think this would be a direct result. Ok play the devil's advocate and let's just pretend that he has no dad. Call me cold but I think the mom needs to step forward and play the dad too. I would never allow my child to walk all over me and be disrespectful to others even as a single mom. Maybe I just don't understand how tough it is but I have seen single moms raise their children, specifically boys, but no excuses for mom regardless of her background to not step forward and be there for her children and provide some sort of stability.

 If I EVER heard Leif say that I would almost immediately if not later at the first opportune moment pull him aside and discuss the fact that he was completely rude and even though it's good to be honest you must use your judgement in what you say to people. In this case, the mom just laughed.

Before I even knew what kid this lady belonged to, she would walk by me and I'd just get this feeling of fakeness. I feel awful for being judgmental but it's one of those things you can't escape. When I found out what kid belonged to her I didn't care for her even more. When I found out that her kid, is a bully and makes my kid cry, I wanted to drop kick this kid and give the mom the bird next time she smiles at me.

How much of a child's behavior towards other people a direct reflection of ones atmosphere growing up? How they were taught to love and respect those around them...if at all. I'll be talking to the director of the daycare tomorrow.

Here's what happened: Leif had an AWESOME day today. Got a sticker for being good at school, listened all evening, ate his dinner, and even washed his hair by himself for the very first time. After we read our bedtime stories I tucked him in gave him a hug and kiss and said goodnight. As I went to shut the door he stuck his tongue out at me and blew a raspberry. When I immediately opened the door to ask him why he did that he had a melt down. Said he didn't want to get into trouble and that it was just a sneeze. I reminded him that he would get in more trouble if he lied to me versus telling me the truth. That's when the waterworks came. He broke down and said he didn't want to get in trouble and that Butthead did it to him at school and called him names. I immediately came to his side and hugged him telling him that he is a smart, kind, and sweet little man. Told him to tell the teacher if this Butthead is mean to him anymore and to remember how it feels when someone is mean to him before he is mean to someone else. I wanted nothing more to unleash mama bear on this kid and give a tongue lashing to the mom at that very moment. My favorite pal crying because some kid is a bully. Now I realize is when I need to equip him with the emotional tools and intelligence to defeat bullies in the most appropriate of manners. Just gotta figure out what those are.

This just made me laugh so I decided to use it.

True Blood Season Finale--SPOILERS

Firstly I just want to state that the season finale of True Blood I think could have totally been 2 hours long. So many ways it could have gone. I mean...I'd love to have seen more Eric Northman!

Secondly...the ending was totally rushed. I mean come on!! Sookie ends up with some guy who looks like Wolverine from the side?!

Thirdly, I completely forgot the whole vampire explodes when they die thing so when Vampire Bill and Sookie staked him together, super vampirey sweet btw, I definitely did a 'HOLY COW' moment when it happened.

I'll miss the series even though I have only actively been following the series for the last two seasons. I like the series and recommend it to anyone who likes scifi, vampires that don't sparkle but are sexy, and fairies!

That's all I'm gonna say on this matter since I'm still upset the ending felt rushed. And still pissed Vampire Bill did die and Sookie didn't have magical healing powers to cure Vampire Bill and live happily ever after.

Anybody for a spin off? "New Blood?"

The Amount of Bullshit...

I'm tired of people thinking they can manipulate me. I'm tired of being played like a puppet. Sure I like to make people happy but that's no reason to take advantage of that fact. And just so you know....I have a side that doesn't come back from the dark side. A side that once you've crossed that line, you will never know reparation.

My hope in the human race sometimes gets in the way of seeing the true nature of people and who they say they are and how they act. I'm blinded by the hope that people will choose to be good and not bad. Will choose to do good and not bad. I may never learn this lesson and probably continue to get burned through my adult life. I can't stop this in me though. It's who I am and it's what makes me happy.

To those who take advantage of that...be good to me and I'll be good to you. Manipulate me and I will find out because I am NOT dumb and NOT unintelligible in the ways of reading people. You may be good at hiding it for now. But the truth will come out and the truth will set me free. And then...you will have crossed that line.

Forgiveness? Sure...if you show that you truly want it. If you don't care...don't waste my time. I'll forgive you without knowing because I won't allow that to eat me up. You will have burned that bridge to me and I believe in my heart of hearts, that our hearts would have grown and benefited from us being friends.

So long to those of you who think you can walk all over me for I will shake you off me in due time.

This is gonna be deep.

This post will be a bit heavy. But I feel like I have to say something because it's buggin me deep down inside and I feel like the only way I'll be able to move forward is if I write about it.

I dated this guy for about three years after a few years on my own from my ex-husband. Things were so amazing with this guy. He was perfect...so I thought. The first two years were great without any fallouts, arguments, or discourse to really speak of. It almost seemed too perfect to be true. 

I came from a background of not knowing anything illegal. Drugs....thought they were bad, didn't do them and wasn't interested in them at all. Won't deny that I didn't try some when I met this guy. It wasn't anything super crazy but the worst drug I probably tried with him was cocaine. After the first time I decided that I didn't like how it made my nose bleed and I didn't like the fact that I couldn't feel my teeth. Alcohol I stayed away from until I was about 20. And pretty much followed the rules (still do even now) in everything I did. Call me a prude but it suited me well at that time in my life but that's another story for another day.

So I how was I suppose to know that he did drugs? I didn't know what I was even looking for and I was too involved with my work and being happy with someone who was jumping through hoops to make me happy. Something my ex-husband had denied me for three years and maybe really I had possibly denied myself for awhile too. Drugs....? What are those?

I stayed friends with his mom from the beginning. Our meeting each other was less than perfect but I think it opened us up to each other on a whole "well, we did just go through this with each other on the first day" type of thing so why not be familiar. But we've developed a friendship and love toward each other that I think is probably the closest friendship I will ever have in my adult life.

Her son passed away in 2009 of a drug overdose. I saw him the day before they pulled the plug. The way he went is not a dignified way to go. I was so angry toward him for all the pain he had caused my family, his family, and myself that I still don't remember shedding a tear for him. Until recently. His mom came to town for some personal business and we had a short visit where we shed some tears and embraced each other. It was beautiful and made me realize how much I miss my friend. Until she said one word.

We we're talking about him and discussing everything that had happened. I had been separated from him for awhile before he passed so some of the events that happened leading up to his death are a mystery to me. I learned that I had been dating a heroin addict for the majority of my relationship with him. He was clean only for a short period of time in the beginning of our meeting. NOT our relationship....the beginning of our meeting which started way before we dated.

HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND!!! I felt my heart sink when she said that to me. I feel even angrier now. Betrayed more than ever. Hateful in some ways and less likely to forgive in others. I'm lost in what to do with this black hole inside me that has nothing but contempt for a person I don't ever want to shed a tear for. I tried to grieve and move on with the one person who I thought was appropriate with and that turned into a big 'Hi! Hello...just an FYI---he did fuckin' heroin.'

Am I making too much out of it? I don't think I am because it was all intravenously. Ya.....

How do you get past that one?

Might as well have been inside an egg the whole time...

The Roaches Have a Vendetta Against Me!

No one can change my mind about this. The cockroaches and Palmetto bugs are after me!

Living in Florida has it's ups and downs. It's biggest down is the massive Palmetto bugs, which let's face it they are really just giant cockroaches. These things get to be the size of your hand, people! And if you thought killing the small ones were tough...you should try your luck on these suckers. Even a can of raid isn't going to take these guys out. And I'm not sure if this is a rumor or not but I heard they can survive without their heads for an extended period of time. Nothing like that chicken that lived for 18 months but still...one minute without a head is one minute too long for me.

And even that doesn't kill the biggest of roaches sometimes! 

These creepy, slinky, quick moving pests started their vendetta against me during hurricane Charlie. It was so terribly hot due to the power being out I thought it'd be a grand idea to move a mattress downstairs and just sleep in the livingroom. For those of you who don't know, RAIN BRINGS BUGS IN.

This....is NOT ok with me.

My cat Edward, is a master hunter. Especially in his younger days there was nothing that could be present in my house without him being aware of it. If it lived it was because Edward chose to let it live. During the roar of the steadily increasing winds and scattered lightning strikes I felt Edward step onto the mattress. When I felt him pounce on me I knew something was not okay. I turned on the lantern only to see that there was not only a roach on me but they were all over my mattress, living room floor and walls. They scattered as soon as the light turned on and of course Edward was in bug heaven chasing after all of them as I panicked and screamed standing up and shaking out my hair and going into full blown panic mode.

This is what I imagine them doing in my house when I'm not around. Germing up the place!

Since then anytime they appear in my house, not only do they barrel towards me but they strategically place themselves so that I will always see them. I found one about three inches long just hanging out in one of my kitchen drawers and slammed the drawer shut immediately to hopefully trap it (ya right! How'd it get in there in the first place) and wait for my husband to kill it. 20 minutes later I went to make sure it wasn't scurrying around in the kitchen and saw my son's BMW M3 Coupe right below the drawer I found that damned roach in. My son wasn't even home so I know it wasn't him that left it there!

I swear that roach was driving that thing around. They think it's like Joe's Motel up in here.

They've put themselves in my cat's bag of food so when I come down in the morning all dreary eyed and reach into the bag to scoop out some food...there he is sitting right on top of the scooped food. Of course I screamed and cat food went flying everywhere.

May be the one that was driving the car around. Not sure.

And then last night, I knew my cat Abbi had found something under the couch by the way she was behaving. I only hoped that it was an Anoli. I would not be so lucky. Before I knew it Abbi had coaxed that disgusting vial creature out from under the coach and it was now running straight towards me. Cornered I had no where to go but up and found myself standing on my chair ready to jump on my desk and climb up my bookshelf to get away from this thing. My husband, as usual, comes to dispose of this thing and pops it with his shoe supposedly killing it. He comes back with a tissue to pick it up...looks at it and says "I think it might still be alive" and tosses it outside. (Sometimes his need to keep his karma in check is not ok with me) Just like I said it would that toxic creeper was back in my house, waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs the very next morning...gimping around.

I develope Spidey Senses when I see a cockroach

Experts say it's one of the cleanest animals around. I'm sorry but anything that can survive a nuclear holocaust has something seriously wrong with it and is NOT ok in my books. The torture continues...at least until I move somewhere ultra cold where they don't like to exist.

Stupid Baer Grylls...why you gotta go and eat those nasty things!

DEATH TO ALL COCKROACHES!

Arranged Marriages in Today's World

I stumbled on this show about a month or so ago via web surfing calling 'Married at First Sight.' I read the description and watched the trailer and was instantly intrigued at the idea of this short series.

It's a social experiment were a psychologist, sexologist, and a spiritual-ologist (don't think that's a word but they totally used it in this series) all got together and interviewed a butt load of people who were interested in the concept of marrying a complete stranger for reasons ranging from they don't have time to date, haven't had much luck in the dating world, or are just tired of looking/waiting for the right person to come around. I don't remember the exact number of people who auditioned for this experiment but I remember thinking that it was a lot. 

They settled down two three sets of couples and put them through some very draining and long tests to make sure that they were paired up to the best person imaginable through science. YA SCIENCE! 

On their wedding day all three couples had not seen their future spouse, knew their name, or anything about who they were marrying. This is the part that gets me...I've always had a huge fascination with the Elizabethan era and of course they had arranged marriages back then. The only difference between back then and this experiment is that the couples had paintings of what they other looked like (or rumors) and heard rumors of who they were with the occasional meeting before the big day. I've always wondered how they managed. What feelings they were experiencing and if any of them genuinely tried. I figured they had to as I've read some of the marriages were very successful. 

One couple was a complete disaster. The bride cried and I was almost certain she was going to say 'No' at the alter. After the ceremony she went and sat in a corner and balled her superficial eyes out about how he wasn't attractive to her and that she had made a mistake. Her now husband, was amazing. He was so respectful of her boundaries and never once tried to rush things and make her feel uncomfortable in any of it. He tried to liven up the mood with humor and the honey he was nothing but sweet and totally willing to play by her rules. A few weeks pass and she sees his personality and the family she has just been married into and of course she starts to fall in love. Thank goodness for that otherwise I would have hated her because he is SO super sweet.

All three couples have 4 weeks to decide whether or not they are going to stay married or get a divorce. I'm excited to see what happens and really hope that all three couples stay together. Realistically I think only two will make it. But it's an interesting experiment and can't deny that I would totally be down for an arranged scientific marriage.

If you are interested in checking it out you can watch it online on the FYI Network. You may consider this a chick show but my husband has totally gotten into this experiment too. It's worth a look.

The non-superficial selfie challenge

I started this community on Facebook called Selfie-A-Day. I've discovered since I've started this that there are a lot of people out there who believe selfies are narcissistic and self absorbed. Especially from those who all they do is post selfies of themselves.

Whoa what's with the crazy eye color?

I'm here to tell you now that I started this to follow through on a challenge I received from my sister in law I believe almost a year ago. To take a photo of something everyday. I basically told her I didn't think I'd be able to do it. Mostly because I don't really think I'd follow through to the end if it's something that involves long term forced daily use of my cell phone. I already don't like talking on my cell phone and even though texting is much more convenient and am more like to answer you via text, I still don't care for it. Send me a postcard or a letter. I'll send one back!

that's right...I threw in a winky face.

I'd like to think that it's taken me a year to figure out what I would take a photo of everyday but I'd be being extremely facetious. And that only works in person. Procrastination is typically ended by inspiration.

Inspiration face. Hand gesture added for extra umph! 

I've considered her challenge more than once but I decided on Selfie-A-Day after watching a video on a condition called Trichotillomania. The woman who made the video had suffered from this from a very young age. I believe I had a cousin who also suffered from this for a short period of time in her life. She documented her struggles with the disease daily for 16 years and then compiled all the photos together in a video with your typical smoozy music. But it was beautiful and interesting. I never watched the video as to why she decided to document her struggles but I have my speculations.

Speculations are universal in everyone usually speculates the same thing.

While I have nothing that affects me on a daily basis except for the daily mess in my house from kids, I found myself being willing to do something similar to see if I could produce the diversity of photos with the mass of emotions displayed on a daily basis. To be real and try and display any emotion that has been the majority of my day on pixelated photos. I take photos of random things all the time on a daily basis...and if I think hard probably post them on some sort of social media networking site on an almost daily basis too. So the taking one every day is no big deal. But selfies are something I usually save for profile pictures or a sneaky way to take pictures of little busy bodies (A good way to get a clear shot of your 4 year old or 17 month is to give them a hug). And are also something that I find a bit cliché at times.

HOLLA!!

So here I am 30 days into my Selfie-A-Day challenge and am feeling pretty generic about the duration of the challenge. I am determined to make it to 365, the reason for the determination is yet to be found. So far I figure it's because the gamer inside me can't run from a challenge. I may take a hot minute...or year to get there but I'll get there and then it's game on!

Games time!

Robin Williams- I cried for you.

I remember when Princess Diana passed away. So many people were crying. So many people poured their hearts to her on the day of her funeral. I never understood how someone could have that type of intimate emotion toward one particular person. Especially if they had never been affected by her directly or indirectly. I remember this as child and not speaking up because I knew it was something big.

Today, I understand. Robin Williams will be remembered for always. I grew up with his humor and obvious compassion that he did have for people that was demonstrated through his love for his craft. I cried for the first time for the loss of a celebrity. A human being amongst the fame and fortune. The voice and humor I grew up knowing and loving. You were my culture Williams. Rest in peace and know you will not be forgotten.

Film accomplishments include but are not limited to; The Richard Pryor Show, Happy Days, Mork and Mindy, Off The Wall and a slew of stand up comedy shows. He was voted 13th on Comedy Central's "100 Greatest Stand-ups of all time" in 2004 and had a cameo in Friends. He appeared in Whose Line is it Anyway?, Saturday Night Live, Louie and Wilfred. His genius acting continued into the movie scene with: Can I do it?, Good Morning, Vietnam, Good Will Hunting, Aladdin, Fern Gully, A.I. Artificial Intelligence, Robots, Happy Feet, Everyone's Hero, and the Time Keeper. Dead Poets Society, Bicentennial Man, The Fisher King, Hook, What Dreams May Come, Patch Adams, Awakenings, Insomnia, One Hour Photo (which was one of my favorite creepy shows of his), The Night Listener, Man of the Year, Mrs. Doubtfire,  and Death To Smoochy.

I'm sure I've missed a ton but this is what I could remember. Add to my list of excellence in the comment section below.

Approaching 30

So I find myself quickly approaching 30 in less than 18 days. I had a bucket list that I wanted to be able to at least cross some things off on before I turned 30. Will post this said list to see how well I have done. I really want to do something fun for my birthday this year too. I haven't done anything fun for my birthday since I was in my teens. And frankly hadn't really cared to do anything fun until now. Seems like 30 is an important milestone even if it isn't even midlife. I'm officially out of my twenties and the days of young.

I can attest to gray hairs (mostly in my eyebrows...!) cracking and creaking joints, a heart palpitation, and weight gain attributed to child birth. So far that's not too bad I'd say.

I have a full time job and am pretty successful at it I would say. It's not where I want to be but I never had a professional goal time frame in mind since professionalism can take a lifetime.

Still trying to figure out something fun to do for my birthday. Maybe it'll come to me. Let's review my bucket list before the age 30. Think I'll tack on another 30 years and look at it again when I'm 60.

1. Skydive for my 30th birthday.

2. Join a roller derby team.

3. Travel to Tibet.

4. Live in Japan

5. Invent something.

6. Learn to Sail.

7. Sail around the world.

8. Own a Jeep.

9. Find buried treasure from the Atocha

10. Go back to Calgary, Canada

11. Grow a set of ‘balls’ (Said 'balls' used in appropriate times)

12. Professional Origami folder ( I would like to call myself an Origamist)

13. Learn to speak Hebrew.

14. Dive with Goliath Fish.

15. Get my shoulder tattoo.

16. Overcome my fear of getting back on a scooter.

17. Own a Black 1967 GTO w/ red leather interior and wood dashboard, 389 tri power 4spd. (contact me if you have one).

18. Be on the Antiques Roadshow

19. Build my own car

20. be a forensic pathologist

Well.....two out of 20 isn't bad I guess. Looks like I have some work to do in the next 30 years....or make an easier bucket list.