I dated this guy for about three years after a few years on my own from my ex-husband. Things were so amazing with this guy. He was perfect...so I thought. The first two years were great without any fallouts, arguments, or discourse to really speak of. It almost seemed too perfect to be true.
I came from a background of not knowing anything illegal. Drugs....thought they were bad, didn't do them and wasn't interested in them at all. Won't deny that I didn't try some when I met this guy. It wasn't anything super crazy but the worst drug I probably tried with him was cocaine. After the first time I decided that I didn't like how it made my nose bleed and I didn't like the fact that I couldn't feel my teeth. Alcohol I stayed away from until I was about 20. And pretty much followed the rules (still do even now) in everything I did. Call me a prude but it suited me well at that time in my life but that's another story for another day.
So I how was I suppose to know that he did drugs? I didn't know what I was even looking for and I was too involved with my work and being happy with someone who was jumping through hoops to make me happy. Something my ex-husband had denied me for three years and maybe really I had possibly denied myself for awhile too. Drugs....? What are those?
I stayed friends with his mom from the beginning. Our meeting each other was less than perfect but I think it opened us up to each other on a whole "well, we did just go through this with each other on the first day" type of thing so why not be familiar. But we've developed a friendship and love toward each other that I think is probably the closest friendship I will ever have in my adult life.
Her son passed away in 2009 of a drug overdose. I saw him the day before they pulled the plug. The way he went is not a dignified way to go. I was so angry toward him for all the pain he had caused my family, his family, and myself that I still don't remember shedding a tear for him. Until recently. His mom came to town for some personal business and we had a short visit where we shed some tears and embraced each other. It was beautiful and made me realize how much I miss my friend. Until she said one word.
We we're talking about him and discussing everything that had happened. I had been separated from him for awhile before he passed so some of the events that happened leading up to his death are a mystery to me. I learned that I had been dating a heroin addict for the majority of my relationship with him. He was clean only for a short period of time in the beginning of our meeting. NOT our relationship....the beginning of our meeting which started way before we dated.
HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND!!! I felt my heart sink when she said that to me. I feel even angrier now. Betrayed more than ever. Hateful in some ways and less likely to forgive in others. I'm lost in what to do with this black hole inside me that has nothing but contempt for a person I don't ever want to shed a tear for. I tried to grieve and move on with the one person who I thought was appropriate with and that turned into a big 'Hi! Hello...just an FYI---he did fuckin' heroin.'
Am I making too much out of it? I don't think I am because it was all intravenously. Ya.....
How do you get past that one?
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| Might as well have been inside an egg the whole time... |
Hello, I've read your story and, as a recovering heroin addict, I feel like this really hit home. Have you ever thought that he was afraid to tell you? Possibly because in the past he may have told someone, and they rejected him and they wanted nothing to do with him; and was afraid you would do the same... and honestly, by the way this sounds, thats exactly what wouldve happened, you would have left him.
ReplyDeleteIts terrible what happened to him, and what everyone had to go through, but you must understand, addiction doesn't make you a shitty person; and high or not all the feelings you have and the moments you shared were all very real.
I also used intravenously (shot up) heroin and in reality that doesn't make it worse. The route used to take drugs seems like a big deal, but the main thing is the drug itself. Shooting up and smoking you get pretty much the same effect, and has the same problems, so why should that matter? I personally for years was afraid to seek help, especially from those I loved and cared about, because the first time I reached out for help to my cousin who was my BEST friend for my whole life we had lived together done everything together, and when I went to her she no longer wanted anything to do with me. I was so hurt that I became afraid to let anyone know in fear that I would face the same rejection. Maybe if he felt he could ask you for help, he wouldn't have gone down the path that lead to his death. And I in no way mean that its your fault or that you could've prevented it, but most addicts want help but can't ask. Heroin has the worst withdrawal of all the drugs, a whole month of the worst suffering. I had brain surgery at age 18, and my month long recovery from that was easier than going through heroin withdrawal.
And I was REALLY messed up after the brain surgery. But you cant be upset and think he is worse because he was an addict. Addiction happens to anyone, no one is immune. Poor, rich, smart, not-so-smart, black, white, any race, religion, doesn't matter where you live or anything. One bad decision (for me when I was only 17 and still stupid) led to me becoming a heroin addict. ME! I never would have thought that, if you wouldve told me I would become a heroin addict I would never have believed you. I was a good kid, straight A's, on the right path, never got in trouble. I had health problems though. I developed kidney stones, and for them my doctor gave me Vicodin. 6 months later, stones still hadn't passes so I needed surgery. After surgery I was given Norco. (1 step stronger than Vicoden) and then 2 months later I had brain surgery and since I had a tolerance to vicoden and norco, they gave me oxys. After all the medication was gone, I started withdrawals. I asked my doctor and they said opiate dependancy is a real disease and after taking any opiate for any length of time your become physically addicted, and need more and more to stay just ok. To stay the way normal people feel all the time. Thats when I made the switch to Heroin because pills were much too expensive. And I started shooting it up only to make it last longer and get more for your money. you need less to shoot up than you do if you smoke it,...
ReplyDeletenow this is just a little about me, but you must understand shit happens in the world, people make mistakes, and people get addicted to things. Most peoples addictions are just caffeine, nicotine . and sugar, but those don't have any physical problems when you don't have it. I guess I'm trying to explain my situation..... so you can see that not all addicts are bad..... some just made a stupid choice and got stuck....... he doesn't sound like he was a bad guy. He didn't steal from you, or do anything that most addicts do. The fact that you didn't even notice shows how much drugs really don't change a person the way most think. Only if you let the drugs control you do you become like the stereotypical drug addict. Most of us are just scared to feel the terrible pain, and afraid to lose their loved ones by being honest, Like I said, I lost my best friend in the whole world because I reached out, and because of that one rejection I was too afraid for years to ask anyone else..... I just feel so terrible that you feel this way about him.... when everything was good, you guys had great times, but your are going to throw all those memories away just because he had a problem...? I'm not trying to be rude, I'm having difficulties explaining what I'm trying to get across to you. Just hopefully you can see, that he probably hated himself for what he was doing more than you ever could, and he loved you and wanted to do anything to make you happy. Even if it meant struggling alone, he would rather suffer in quiet and keep the one he loves around than risk losing you. I know that everything is dark when your an addict, maybe you were his light, he was so focused on keeping you happy just so he could have one positive thing in his life......
This is my second time writing this as I had a power outage the first time mid way through. I debated divulging details about this situation but didn't honestly think anyone would read it...nor care to comment. But I can see now how those particular details of our last year or so together are somewhat important to the story.
DeleteI wish the fact that he hadn't stole from me wasn't true. Towards the end of our relationship his addiction did get bad enough where he did steal from me. He stole thousands of dollars from my bank account. Jewelry, old coins, a couple video game consoles, and a couple family heirlooms from my parents. He also got me fired from a job that I was making into a career by forging some scripts from one of the physicians I worked with. This all happened over the course of the last year and couple months we dated I believe. He destroyed my life and it took me a couple years to rebuild it.
At the time I didn't care about any of that. I wanted him better. I was planning on marrying this guy. I started to figure out he had a problem when I walked in on him in the bathroom passed out with a needle in one hand and a spoon in the other. I stayed home from work that day and waited for him to wake up. When he came to and saw me sitting on the couch with his needle and spoon he told me it was crushed diluted Oxycontin. I didn't know so I believed him. I drove him to rehab that day and he stayed in there for maybe 2 days before he decided he couldn't take it anymore and discharged himself. The next few months were a slew of him being in and out of different rehabs and not being willing to continue to treatments. I finally asked him one day why he did drugs and he told me he wanted to get away from it all. Of course I didn't understand as he and I had similar pains with our pasts of absent dad's and crazy life experiences. I wanted him to get better so we could start a life together and get married and have kids. This guy was sorta my white buffalo if you will. That's when he told me that he didn't want to get married or have kids...with me or anyone for that matter. This was gut wrenching news for me but I still wanted him better and didn't give up on him. The day I walked out of the relationship is the day that he told me he was never going to stop doing drugs no matter how many rehabs, counselors, or support groups we sent him to. They felt too good and he wasn't about to give up that feeling. I didn't know what to do so I went and did the dishes. After one sink load of dishes I went into the living room to find his pills spread over the table and him passed out in the oddest of positions. I layed him down and covered him up and packed up my stuff. He later told me after several months of being separated that he was happy that I moved on because he knew I wanted a life he didn't want to give me.
Yes I am ANGRY that he lied to me about the drugs he did when he knew I was there to help him. To drive him to rehabs, AA, and anywhere to help make him better. Yes I am ANGRY that I found out his main drug of use was Heroin when I had specifically asked him what all he had done. For God's sakes I had seen this man smoke crack! You'd think I wouldn't be shell shocked hearing heroin come from his lips. I'm ANGRY because he could have told me that he did so I could have gotten myself tested sooner than later as his mother had suspicions that he shared needles at one point. So in my opinion it was me who walked away from us...he chose to walk away from us.
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And now I know why you put it in two posts. ^_^
DeleteOf course the fact that I've been writing about this kid almost everyday since the day he died makes me believe that I'm not willing to give up the good memories. And why would I? He was a heroic, intelligent, kind, gentle, reptilian lovin', jokester man who I adored. I would never give those good things about him up. I do however want to move on from the pain and hurt he caused not only me but my family as well. I wanted to be his light...but he did not want a light. So apologies for leaving out some important facts and I hope that this shines some more light on the situation. But he never struggled alone...at least not on the outside. He always had me until the very end despite the anger I feel inside. I would never have left if he had been willing to get better. So I understand what you are saying and am truly right there with you.
Please feel free to ask any other questions. This was a long battle for everyone involved and even still when I talk to his mom, whom I love dearly and will never leave for a million dollars, we talk about the good things we remember about him. And typically avoid the bad things
So in my opinion it wasn't* me who walked away from us...he chose to walk away from us.
DeleteI understand what you are saying and I am so sorry for everything that has happened to you. If he really was that way then you SHOULD be angry... Lying to you about what drug he was on wasn't helping anything, and the fact that he would chose them over you anyway makes him not worth it... I understand you loved this man, and it's terrible he pretty much just threw your love away. Unfortunately, until the user is ready to quit, no amount of rehab or anything for that matter will make them quit. They have to chose it themselves. My view has changed, before it seemed like he was too afraid to tell you and suffering alone to make you happy, but now with the missing info, I see you are the victim here. Well both of you are sadly, in different ways. He did walk away from you... I went off (not that bad) but off the deep end for a while during my addiction, doing anything I could scheme for money, petty things. And When I look back, its the only thing in my life I would change if I could. I hate myself still very deeply for the things I have put my friends and family through.... But all in all, when someone chooses something else over you (especially drugs) , and they start stealing, and making life difficult... our love for them tells us to work it out, but if they wont even give you the respect and everything you deserve ( which is not coming 2nd to drugs) then they aren't the right one anyways. If he would've been willing to try.. it would be different.. I'm glad I got the full story (well not full, but more of it).... It's people like you I'm glad to know are around, because he might have not wanted the help... but there are so many people who do want it, and they either have no one, or they have people but they know they would turn their backs on them if the truth came out. Like with me... I was stuck alone wanting helping searching for it and rejected and left.... finally my mother actuallly ended up coming to the rescue after a long time of her wanting nothing to do with me. I;m now recovering, and doing much better... I hope you never have to go through anything like that again, but its good knowing that if you have a loved one that runs into trouble, you will try to help them through....
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